Baby names of today are often a teeming mass of vowels that don’t belong and the desire for the child to be different than the other six children with their exact names in Kindergarten. We are here to help you navigate the landscape so your child will place high in the futuristic oligarchy of their adulthood. We’ve also created a fun app to create baby names that will work on any of the new mobile phones.
Fynnlyee: American. After the Pinterest Board entitled “OMG Here’s a Photo of My Pee Stick!!” meaning “vessel for Mommy’s lost identity.Lieden: American for “performs well when nothing at all matters anymore.” Excellent for future blonde journalists or a bro with a startup who will perform much crushing of “it.”
Ivankaaaargh: Russian, probably. “She with the horror-wraith half-smile of terrible beauty.” Ivankaaaarghs are gentle souls who simply do not understand the question and would rather speak of their initiatives concerning the children of somewhere.
Kyptynne: American, meaning “to cut letters out of Scrapbooking Today and rearrange them in a wad.” Ideal for a future in the spelling-things-slowly field.
Propane: American. A manly name of fire and burning. Future tribes will require his clean-burning efficiency to char the survivors of the HOA for food. No one will speak of these meals. Nickname: Hank.
Karisma: American for “white lady who constantly brings up reverse racism because remember, a Black girl was mean to her one time.”
Rhythm: American, meaning “Damn it, I thought you could count.”
Onnesstee: American for “I read it somewhere, believe me.” Denotes a truth-teller of the modern age. Anything is a truth, really, if you have good self-esteem and a louder voice than your enemies.
Cray: American, from the Urban Dictionary. Crays will be the only ones making sense in the future. Prone to shrugs.
Lakynn: American, meaning “all our walls have sayings about ‘bliss’ or ‘dancing’ on them now.”
Rory: Netflixian, meaning “one too many.” Works well in a family with “Bluth,” and “Humphrey.”
Ruger: American, fuck yeah, for “the only currency that really matters, crying snowflakes.” Ideal for he who owns the youth, as he owns the future. Originally German.
Sansa: Winterfellian, meaning “Your opinion on this female character is bad, and you should feel bad.” Excellent sister name to Skyler.
Phelonee: American for “And lo, irony limped to a sad death in the new world. All shall weep, if they still be capable.”
Offred: American, from the book “Why Did We Give Them This Idea?” meaning “All of you are named Offred now. Please proceed to the gold toilet and bow.”